My girlfriend is in the Caribbean and has not seen a monkey yet.  In fact, there may not even be monkeys in Puerto Rico.  What the hell is the point of being a tropical paradise and not having monkeys?  That’s what people want to see!  They want adorable monkeys to come out of the rainforest and sit on their shoulder and eat oranges and take a nice monkey poop there!  That’s what we want!  I went to Gibraltar once and it was a useless place with awful hybrid British/Spanish food and stupid accents AND I GOT A COLD but at least they have fun monkeys who peed on someone else I was there with.  That made the whole visit worth it!

Anyways, you can say that monkeys can’t cross water and Puerto Rico’s an island and they can’t swim there, so just import the stupid monkeys.  Or else I’m not going.  An island without monkeys is just a hot sweaty mess

I can’t think of another actor I’ve liked more in one thing and then hated so intensely in the next than Allison Janney.  She was so likable on West Wing—smart but funny, a little clumsy, unlucky in love.  But every time I hear a Kaiser Permanente commercial I want to kick her in the teeth.  She’s just so smug.  And I know she doesn’t write the copy, but stop telling us to “thrive.”  You just want our health insurance money and not have to pay a lot for expensive procedures.  What’s her next role gonna be?  Eva Braun?

I don’t support voting because of just one issue, but if you’re a Republican and have student loans to pay off, you might want to check this out.

http://www.salon.com/2012/04/06/the_student_loan_crisis_everyone_saw_coming/singleton/#comments

Bashar al-Assad, upon reading the agreement from Kofi Annan giving him till April 10 to pull troops out of occupied cities, stated, “You mean I have 8 more days to kill women and children?  Sweet!  Someone get me a gun!”

My friend Raymond Orta posted a joke about McAllen, Tx being the fattest city in the country, but it has a really high teenage pregnancy rate.  Who the hell gets a fat chick pregnant? That’s just mean! First of all, they have to deal with being a fatty. Then they’ve gotta deal with being a mommy, too. That’s too much stress on an overworked heart. Plus, getting a fatty pregnant involves having sex with her, which is just foul. I bet her cooch smells like stale nachos.

Smokeless cigarettes are somehow more obnoxious than regular cigarettes.  True, there is no smell, but there’s an in-yer-face, you’re-not-the-boss-of-me attitude that they exude as you sit there and watch the water vapor appear.  The very absence of cigarette smell even says, “what?  i don’t stink!  i’m harmless!  you can’t complain about me even though I’M RIGHT HERE!”  Smokeless cigarettes are the “I’m not touching you” form of tobacco.

I’m generally against bullying, but Rick Santorum screams out for an ass-kicking at recess.  Look at him in his 1950’s sweater vest.  He’s like Brainy Smurf, except instead of being a know-it-all, he’s some sort of pray-it-all.  Maybe if he had gotten thrown into a dumpster a couple of times in high school, he wouldn’t be such a self-righteous prick. 

Tim Tebow was successfully traded earlier today to the New York Jets.  In return, the Denver Broncos received a 6th round draft and a wooden block.  When asked about the trade, Denver head coach John Fox said, “While the wooden block won’t sell as many jerseys as Tim did, he does a much better job of making short-to-intermediate throws.”

Dear Schoolfeed;

Thanks but no thanks.  I’m not even sure why you’re necessary, as I’ve successfullly located every single girl I’ve ever had a crush on growing up.  Yep, even that chick from camp when I was 10.  And that girl from another school in high school.  And that drunk hook-up in college.  So what new are you exactly bringing me?  Photos of that fat rich kid who somehow managed to drop out of upper-middle class high school?  Pass.

No thanks,

A Satisfied Stalker

Dear LA Marathoner’s—

It’s very nice that you run around like idiots for a few hours?  In future years, could you do it somewhere remote so that you don’t interrupt the rest of us making trips to In ‘n’ Out?  We really couldn’t care less about your little hobby, and we’re not jealous of your bleeding nipples.

Sincerely,

LA Fatty-Boobalatties